How To Improve Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence.

Get over yourself! How leading a life more ordinary can lead to the Extraordinary!

I was facilitating a therapy group the other day and one of the members talked about what she was learning from struggling academically with a very heavy postgraduate course. She described it as coming to terms with the fact of her ordinariness. By this she meant accepting that she was not special, more gifted or more able to by-pass the struggles that others faced academically. It meant acknowledging her averageness, that she was a fallible, little bit broken and imperfect human being like the other 6.4 billion wandering the earth.

This resonated with me. I thought back to when I failed my dissertation in the final year of my MA in Gestalt Therapy Theory Studies. Up until this point I had always passed assignments well enough to satisfy my ego’s expectations. When I failed my dissertation, with the blood, sweat and tears that went into it, my ego was dealt what felt like a severe and merciless blow. The pain I felt was as much from anticipating re-writing the whole damn dissertation as about the dent in my self-image.

The blow to my ego led to me growing up, and that meant adjusting my self-image by lowering and widening the lens through which I viewed myself. As a child, I was told - as many are, which is both a fortunate and unfortunate thing, that I could achieve anything. Failing was a punch in the face to that belief. It demanded that I accept my ordinariness.

If our self-esteem is based on achievements and praise it is like the little pigs' House of Straw. One puff and it is all blown down. What is missing is a robust and continuous sense of self-worth which is independent of our achievements whether they be glorious, embarrassing, admirable or downright disappointing.

Failing demands we unshackle our sense of self from our performance. It means we separate our sense of being a lovable and worthy human being from the sometime idiotic, regrettable acts we might commit as a fallible person. It means growing up and connecting with our innate sense of self- worth rather than viewing ourselves through the lens we think others see us through.

Accepting our ordinariness means…

·      we are less caught up in demanding perfection of ourselves

·      we are free to do and try without the pressure of having to be so amazing that we do not try at all

·      we feel less anxious and less depressed

·      we get more stuff done

·      we are more able to differentiate between the sometime disappointing and passing behaviours of others and their innate worthiness of our love and esteem.

·      we can incrementally accomplish extraordinary feats

Achieving the extraordinary means…

1)    Identifying and deleting ‘Basic Musts” thinking

Albert Ellis’ Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy talks of the ‘Basic Musts’ which form part of the erroneous beliefs that lead to unhappiness. We take on these beliefs unconsciously because of past social conditioning, without analysing their validity or the evidence that they are based on. We believe them to be true. Without becoming aware of them and challenging them we go on blindly believing them with all the anxiety, depression, shame, rage and fear that they produce.

These ‘Basic Musts’ include 1) “I must do well and if I don’t then I’m a failure’, 2), ‘I must win the approval of others, if not I’m not worthy’, and 3) ‘life must go my way otherwise it is a catastrophe’. REBT challenges us to separate our actions and behaviours, which may or may not be successful, from our innate self-worth. It challenges us on whether it is possible to be approved of by everyone and asks us to accept that regardless of whether we are liked by some people or not, we are still beings worthy of love. It challenges us to accept that life is not fair and that sometimes shit happens and it sucks but it is always bearable. It is a more helpful way of thinking and provides a sense of inner space and relief.

2)    Practicing zero tolerance of ‘all or nothing’, ‘catastrophising’ and ‘I-can’t-bear-it’ thinking errors.

When I first failed my dissertation I (inwardly) threw a tantrum of distress and despair, telling myself that I wanted nothing more to do with study, that it was ‘all hopeless’. This is ‘All or Nothing’ thinking, one of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ‘thinking errors’. Growing up is accepting that we do things and sometimes they work out and sometimes they don’t work out but that doesn’t mean we are hopeless. It is also an example of ‘catastrophising’. In fact, failing wasn’t literally the end of the world. My life continued and the disappointment didn’t last. Lastly, even though I thought that I couldn’t bear it, I could.

Here’s how the “Basic Musts’ can negatively impact us. If we anticipate giving a public presentation we might erroneously think that we need to do a fabulous job, in order to get everyone’s approval and to validate our worthiness. We fear that we will mess it up and die of humiliation and embarrassment. In fact, if that were to happen we would bear it. I’m sure we can all think of situations like that when we did. Furthermore, it is highly likely that the thinking errors themselves lead to the heightened anxiety which lead us to messing up. The anticipation of doing a bad job and the fear of being condemned to a state of unworthiness and  'unbearable; shame and humiliation mean that we probably don’t even try giving the presentation. Or if we do get up on the podium we freeze with crippling fear. Allowing ourselves to do the presentation whilst accepting that we are fallible, imperfect and a little bit broken, and knowing that we are still innately worthy and lovable, takes the edge off and allows more space for the extraordinary to shine through.

3)    Identifying things you would like to do and start doing them!

Put yourself out there even if what you produce is ‘crap’ and allow yourself to achieve ordinary accomplishments. I did this with my final year dissertation which I passed the second time around. I just kept writing even if I didn’t think what I was writing was any good. Accepting my ordinariness also enabled me to reach out for support from experts as I was no longer so fearful about protecting my ego from ‘unbearable’ criticism.

Accepting my ordinariness also allowed me to build a successful career as a psychotherapist. I took the risk of sending my CV off to numerous private clinics and got an interview and job offer with one of them.

Accepting my ordinariness allowed me to apply for a competitive role as group facilitator on a university course when I thought I had no chance at all. When preparing for the interview I allowed myself to be ordinary and decided instead to enjoy the preparation process. I got the job!

As Arnold Beisser, who had a strong influence on Gestalt Therapy says,

 “change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions.”

Arnold Beisser, MD.  

So I invite you to  get over, under, through, around and about yourself until you discover the Extraordinairyness that lies there sparkling and has been there all along!

The key to contentment - self approval

A common thread that runs through a lot of the issues my clients bring is validation. By validation I mean the process of being confirmed as ‘ok’, ‘acceptable’ or ‘good enough’.  For many individuals this sense of being ‘ok’ is derived from others or how we imagine others think of us. We need others to consider us interesting in order for us to feel interesting. We need others to think that we are beautiful in order to feel beautiful. We need others to think that we are intelligent in order to feel intelligent. We need others to give us permission to feel ok before we give ourselves permission to feel ok.

And what’s wrong with that you might ask? On the one hand we are social animals so of course what other people think of us is important. If we were not influenced by others’ perceptions, what that would make us? Psychopaths?

There is nothing wrong with being influenced by others. However if you imagine there is a continuum going from one extreme of needing others to validate our experience to the other extreme of not needing anyone to validate our experience, I suggest that being closer to the centre of the continuum would feel better. Firstly, if we are dependent on others’ validation in order to feel ok then we can never feel ok within ourselves. Instead we feel anxious and uncertain each time we think we have upset them.

Secondly it takes up a lot of energy to be constantly evaluating oneself on whether we are worthy of approval. It’s tiring! Not to mention how frustrating and irritating it is to strain so hard for others’ confirmation. Although often we hide these angry feelings from ourselves, they show up when our attempts to get approval from another are rejected. Then we might think, ‘how dare they not like me when I was trying so hard’. We might react to the rejection in a way that is disproportionate to the situation for example feeling furious or devastated.

Lastly, it is often a futile task. Think about the people that you find most interesting or attractive.  They often have an easy-ness about them, the ease of being ok with themselves, the ease of not having to try too hard to please. This enables them to be spontaneous and to feel excited in the moment about their encounter with you. This is what makes them attractive to others. Indeed it is precisely this element of openness and spontaneity that we lose when we are trying so hard to be validated. We may succeed in portraying a polished image however in exerting such control over ourselves we also manage to polish away qualities such as openness, vulnerability, ability to be with uncertainty and sensitivity to the environment and to others. These are qualities which we find endearing in others We’ve probably all been in the presence of people who seem to have mastered the social game and yet they do it by not allowing anyone else a word in edgeways, or by asking lots of questions without giving anything away themselves. Somehow we find ourselves glazing over or getting bored.

So how do we feel more ok with ourselves? Well I can’t offer a ‘magic wand’ cure. However the journey starts with learning to validate oneself more. In order to do this we need to get to know ourselves so that we can connect with our own signs and signals that we are doing ok.  The route to this is through our bodies. Our body sensations and emotions provide important messages about ourselves. From time to time throughout the day try asking yourself the simple question, ‘am I doing ok in this moment here and now?’ Then close your eyes and go inside to feel the answer.  Wait for the voice that may be weak that tells you that you are doing ok. Be patient and let it tell you exactly how you are doing ok in this minute. Notice the body sensations and emotions that go with it. For example a client in therapy looks at me as if seeking my approval on what she is saying. I ask her to see if she can approve of herself. She takes a moment to reflect, notices a warm steady glow in her chest, a quietness and absence of anxiety. She connects these sensations and emotions with something positive. She realises and tells herself that actually she is doing ok right now with me. She even manages to elaborate on why this is. She is self-reflecting, courageously exploring herself and taking the risk of sharing difficult material with me. Indeed therapy is hard so dammit she is doing more than just ok!

So go on, try it and let me know how you get on?

3 Steps to Beating Social Anxiety

I have many clients and potential clients approaching me, wanting to resolve their social anxiety. They describe difficulties in certain social situations, feeling unable to interact with others without experiencing heightened self-consciousness, uncomfortable feelings and accompanying physical symptoms. These can include feeling nervous, stammering, wanting to run away and be alone, sweating, dizziness, feeling numb and palpitations, amongst many others.

Social anxiety is the inner voice that tells us, whilst we are in, or are contemplating being in a social situation, that we are not good enough, not interesting enough, that others are judging us negatively. It can be accompanied by shyness however we can have social anxiety without being shy. This critical inner voice can become so insistent and powerful that it builds a wall between the other/s and us, and we are no longer fully present and available to engage freely with them. Rather than focussing on the interaction we become fixed on our critical voice, which is disapproving of our behaviour. We start to feel a whole host of emotions including anxiety. As a result we feel more and more ungrounded until we are overwhelmed and the only option is to flee.

Social anxiety can lead to avoiding or struggling in certain social situations. These vary according to the individual. Some avoid one-to-one relationships, others avoid group scenarios, for some it manifests at work and stops them applying for roles with more responsibility or a higher profile which includes public speaking.

Why is it? The socially anxious individual considers themselves deficient in certain social situations. Therefore the basic self-belief is, ‘I’m not good enough’. At the heart of this issue is non self-acceptance. Ultimately the key to change is to be in better relationship to oneself: self-acceptance.  This is a theme that is widely talked touted in spiritual and self-help books. I imagine that it is certainly not new to the reader.  But what does that mean? It sounds so simple and yet seems so difficult for many of us to truly understand or put into practice.

Firstly it can help to consider and become more aware of how it is that we have such a harsh relationship with ourselves. I sometimes invite clients to advise an imaginary friend who shares the same social anxiety issues that they have. They speak to their ‘friend’ in a much gentler and more forgiving way than they do to themselves.

In Gestalt therapy we talk about ‘introjects’. These are beliefs that we have taken to be true due to hearing them voiced by our carers when we were too young to analyse them objectively and then perhaps reject them.  ‘You bad girl’ could be one such belief. ‘You ugly thing’ could be another. These are extreme examples however these parental messages can also be implicit. A parent ignoring us when we are angry in order to teach us a lesson, a parent who becomes anxious when we act vivaciously. We deduce from these situations that what we did was ‘not ok’. As a child the next step from that is that “I am not ok’. Children also often pick up these messages about themselves when parents separate or when the family is undergoing huge stress and transition or when a parent becomes less available due to sickness, depression or addictions, amongst other things.

Once we have increased our understanding of the origins of the critical voice then we can start to become more aware of it in our daily life. When we catch our critical voice calling us ‘fat’, ‘lazy’ or ‘stupid’ we observe it. We don’t give ourselves a hard time about it, that’s just being critical about our critical voice (which defeats the purpose!). According to the foundational text of Gestalt therapy theory ‘awareness is like the glow of a coal which comes from its own combustion’ (PHG, 1951:75) i.e. awareness alone is enough to cause change. Therefore simply by noticing our critical voice and how insidious it is, we are already setting in motion a change. After a period of of simply increasing awareness, we can move on to challenging the critical voice. If it accuses you of being lazy how might you reframe that? How would you respond to a friend that described himself or herself as lazy for not preparing for a job interview? You would probably look for other explanations. Maybe their fear of getting things wrong has got in the way of job preparation. Or maybe they don’t really want the job and doing the interview because they think they should, that it’s the kind of job they ought to be doing rather than a job they enjoy. Or perhaps they simply do not have the time as they are also working full-time, running a household and looking after two young children. I invite you to try and speak to yourself from that place of compassion, looking for the good in you rather than what is not good enough. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen every time or even at all to begin with. However it is the first step towards building a better relationship with yourself. And remember, if you do catch yourself repeatedly slipping up then that does not matter at all, just don’t give yourself a hard time about it!

A second way to tackle social anxiety is to become aware of how we ‘project’ our critical voice on to others. Projection is a natural phenomenon common to most of us. It simply means ‘‘a process of disowning an aspect of myself which is then co-created as a relational experience’ (Joyce and Sills, 2010, p115)’ It comes in handy for appreciating the arts such as a painting or a piece of music. It is also necessary for empathy. Through projection we can step into the others’ experience and imagine how they are feeling based on how we might feel in a similar circumstance. However projection is less helpful when we imagine that others are criticising us the way we criticise ourselves. Clients often say, ‘well that’s terrible that I project onto others’. They start to become critical of themselves. I always react with ‘ouch’ when I hear them say that. Firstly I explain that projection occurs at a subconscious level therefore we are not aware that we are projecting. Secondly, giving oneself a hard time about a natural mechanism is simply allowing the critical voice to stamp all over us again. An awareness experiment I suggest instead is a tried and tested Gestalt technique called ‘I notice, I imagine, I feel’. I ask my client to look at an image or if they are up to it, myself and to state what they notice. The aim is to simply state what is noticed such as ‘I notice brown hair’, ‘I notice a leather jacket’, ‘I notice lines on the forehead’. Often individuals doing this exercise say things like ‘I notice she looks happy’ or, ‘I notice she seems strict’, and I point out that this is no longer noticing but imagining. I then ask them as a second step to go with their imagination and say what they notice and imagine. For example ‘I notice the sleeping cat and I imagine it is dreaming’, or ‘I notice the lines in his forehead and I imagine he is angry’. The last step of the exercise is to state the feeling that occurs. For example, ‘I notice the lines in his forehead and I imagine he is angry and I feel worried’. Here we can clearly see how it is easy to imagine all kinds of things about the other based on what we notice, our subjective reality. Individuals who suffer from social anxiety will often imagine that others are viewing them negatively and this experiment is helpful for becoming aware of the projection process and challenging those assumptions.

A third way to beat social anxiety is to feel as grounded as possible. What does grounded mean ask some of my clients. That is a good question in itself and can mean different things to different people. What does it mean to you? There is definitely a link with having a sense of one’s body. The opposite of grounded is feeling light-headed, spaced out, insubstantial. When we are feeling anxious, tight chested and breathless then we are not grounded. When we feel dizzy or have numb or tingling fingers that can accompany anxiety then we are not grounded.  When we are grounded we feel calm and we are often in touch with the feeling of our feet in contact with the ground. Our toes may feel warm and tingly. When we are grounded we breathe lower down in our bellies. When we are grounded we feel balanced.  Some exercises to get grounded include belly breathing, shaking, and body awareness mindfulness exercises, amongst others. I will describe these more in another article.

Conclusion

Just as I have had many clients approach me wanting to resolve their social anxiety, I have had many clients leave therapy with their social anxiety a ‘non-issue’.  Of course there is no magic wand and I am not saying that all it takes is to read and engage with this article.  Each person has their own story with their own particular circumstances that have led to social anxiety. Nevertheless in my experience at the core of social anxiety is always the inability to accept oneself. I’m not saying it is an easy task to change this and it can take time. Often the support of a therapist is necessary. However as we start our journey we find lots of other hidden treasures along the way.

Joyce, P. & Sills, C. (2010). Skills in Gestalt Counselling & Psychotherapy. London: Sage.

Perls. F, Hefferline, R, Goodman, P, (2009). Gestalt Therapy: Excitement and Growth in the Human Personality. London: Souvenir Press Ltd.